I have noticed another pattern within myself, which makes my life harder .Why harder ? well I don’t allow myself to enjoy being treated by others , I always think that I should treat other people ,whether is by giving my attention , buying stuff and making sure they happy , but I don’t allow anyone to do the same for me ,even if they want to or actually do something , I feel like I should not accept it .
I came to the conclusion that it sure must come from the feeling of worthiness. Did I really needed to go through all of the things in my life , just to be 32 and notice that ? sure not , but here I am , broken into million pieces and thinking of the way I can change something , I thought I never had a problem with.
So many times I have been trying to reason my behaviour and explain myself ,whether to my family or friends , why I don’t like being treated by others or why I would not accept something .
It always came as I don’t want to use anyone ,yet id allow people to use me … I don’t want them to spend their hard worked money on me ,there are more important things than pleasing me .
Where in fact it all comes down to …. not feeling worthy of any of that I actually wanted , because lets be honest , who don’t want good tings in life .
I always felt that whatever I want will come but I have always conditioned that , saying things like , not from here , not from there etc . and who the heck am I to say where it will come from ?
I really had no idea what I was actually doing , and sure it also shows that we human beings are learning and evolving all the time , whether we believe it or not .
Many times we tell our self that we want this or that ,but are we really ready to accept it ? are we open to receive what we ask for ? let me tell you , I was not .
And as much as I hate the fact that it was me all along ,who was holding myself back , am also kind of relieved , because I will be more mindful of my thought pattern.
I have been in constant battle when it comes to my energy , as I felt that I’m more masculine than I would like to be. Not that it is something wrong but I felt like it doesn’t help me , because most of the times , for example in relationships , I was trying to be the one who lead , the one who will pay for everything ,treat the other person and give it all ,for what? then I was mad ,because I literally put myself into the position ,when I had to do everything by myself ,because my partners were used to ,me being the one who plans everything and make sure everyone is happy . ( everyone except me)
It is a really huge eye opening for me , even though I’m constantly learning and try to work on myself ,it amaze me how long it took me , to actually get to this conclusion and to understand that it is actually the feeling of not being worthy and not too much of the masculine energy . (or maybe its both?)
I hope you are all having a wonderful week x
Blursy 