Don’t speak

I had a very interesting conversation with my sister recently.

And what I will write below will give you an insight of what that conversation had in mind, or rather what i had in mind …because i have started it .

At first breath i felt somehow hurt but then i though, we do things we not aware might hurt others , we speak words we can’t take back . We often do and say from what we know best .

Sometimes that best is pretty low but i don’t want to judge a person , especially someone i know so close and someone I know would be hurt ten folds if I would be the one saying them things.

If you don’t have something good to say to someone, don’t say it. Treat all with courtesy and kindness.

I speak with my sister a lot about self love , how to respect your own self and appreciate everything you went through.

She know very well , at least now she knows for sure ,some of my insecurities. Yet she decided to laugh it off ,not thinking as per usual . Which sometimes makes me feel like it the reason id rather be alone than with anyone around me .

Going deeper, i feel like this is the exact reason why i prefer time alone . Since child ,there was always someone who would comment on something and make it not a big of a deal . Well it wasn’t anything big for me either, back then , or was i wrong? I was indeed very wrong … i would stop doing what i liked to do , not be around certain people because I knew they would pick on me , avoid certain situations .

I try my hardest to understand how it could take me so long to learn such simple lesson . All because of that one situation. Or rather because of me not letting it slip and not allowing this form of disrespect towards me . Even as a joke . Because you should not let anyone joke about things you insecure about, and im not learning to love myself just the way I’m, for someone else to come and destroy my self esteem in seconds .

Since that day i have came across so many articles and sentences in a book where it just bring it all back .

But I must say , im proud of how differently i handle things now .

Before i would try to ignore it and change the subject, just to stop the laughter . Now I speak up and say how i feel and why i think its not right.

I feel courageous. Yet there is still so many things to work on . When it comes to family, it is really fucked up.

I never thought i will have to cut ties . But if nobody cares and i have to make the effort? Is it worth it ? Is it worth the try if i see strangers being treated with more compassion than own family member?

I hope ill get some sleep tonight, it has been pretty challenging lately.

Love H .

One thought on “Don’t speak

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