I have given everything I see in this room[on this street, from this window, in this place]all the meaning that it has for me.
The exercise with this idea are the same as those for the first one. Begin with the things that are near you, and apply the idea to whatever you glance rest on. Then increase the range outward. Turn your head so that you include whatever is on either side. If possible, turn around and apply the idea to what was behind you. Remain as indiscriminate as possible in selecting subjects for its application, do not concentrate on anything in particular, and do not attempt to include everything you see in a given area, or you will introduce strain.
Merely glance easily and fairly quickly around you, trying to avoid selection by size, brightness, colour, material, or relative importance to you. Take the subjects simply as you see them, Try to apply the exercise with equal ease to a body or a button, a fly or a floor, an arm or an apple. The sole criterion for applying the idea to anything is merely that your eyes have lighted on it. Make no attempt to include anything in particular, but be sure that nothing is specifically excluded.
Welcome back dear fellow bloggers and anyone who will come across this post.
It has been truly a long and bumpy ride , I have taken myself on , but with true honesty it has been the best thing that could have ever happen to me .
As I have mentioned in the last post , I have found my person … I am still quite shocked how in a such a short period , you can become so close to another human being , how everything can change literally overnight, but more about this maybe another time as today I have something else id love to write about and hopefully ,gain some more insight of what you think and how you see the stuff which I am going to elaborate on in this post .
So lets start from the beginning
I have been in few relationships myself , I cant tell that they were bad , they certainly were in my life for a reason , sometimes them reasons don’t seem too obvious for us and usually it is because , we don’t see ourselves exactly as we are . Quite often we are portraying ourselves as someone we want to be , however yet we are not .
Not to say it is right or wrong , obviously it is a matter of discussion and/or opinion ,which we all tend to have and which of course will differ ,depending on our life experience and how much we are allowing to heal our mind, body and soul , but let me introduce you to the ways I seen relationships as . Yes ways , because just two months ago I have had a completely different outlook on what being in a relationship is to what I think I feel now .
First comes the child , you know , the one who throw a tantrum every single time something doesn’t go its way ? yeah it was me , in the past ,why was that happening ? why was I so triggered by simple things , and by simple I really mean basics , for example when someone would not reply to me in the rightly manner (right only for me of course ) I would go mad , trust me , pure madness and I cant even blame this child (myself) for doing so , because I truly was acting out my childhood trauma , I wanted to feel heard and seen and all of that what child needs from their parents , yet how often it wasn’t reciprocated in my case. Of course I see where I went south and hurt not once but hundred of times someone I genuinely cared for , but the instinct of survival and proving myself that I am worth the time ,was so strong and clearly at the begging I haven’t seen it as an issue , if I have to be totally honest .
Some or rather all of my behaviours were very automatic , I knew I’m going insane ,in literal way but I thought it is normal way to express yourself and to simply get the things you want , while in all honesty it never worked quiet well for me , I would rather feel even more abandoned and lost than before but I never understood why it is happening.
Now comes the question , How important it is to heal your inner child before entering relationship?
The answer will not be linear ,just like the healing is not but I believe it is of huge importance , healing has completely changed the way i look at the relationship I have now and on the ones from the past .
Of course as you start the healing , you realise why you have been choosing people who would trigger you and offer you less than bare minimum as it is all rotted deep inside of us ,and sooner or later everyone will choose to heal ,so they can fully accept who they are and what they want from life .
So often we think love hurts , so we choose the hurtful experiences and partners who don’t seem to meet any of our needs , we try to give a lot in hope that we will be wanted , where in fact this behaviour has quite the opposite effect…
How often did you over give to someone who should get nothing out of you ?
How often did you blamed yourself for not being worthy of the love and affection of someone , who seemed like the love of your life ?
I believe we tend to delude ourselves with thinking , that we can change someone , where in fact the only person you should focus on changing is yourself , so you know and remember who you truly are , so you don’t settle for less than you deserve , so you don’t chase unfulfilling relationships, so you don’t get into relationship because you feel lonely .
Knowing who you truly are is a blessing and thankfully more people start to realise the importance of self love and self care , I dream of a world where people are as loving ,true and honest ,and stop putting the appearances of someone they are not …
Why it’s hard to let go of someone , is it because we love that person so much or maybe we fear the idea of being abandoned by them ?
After some long time , some of us will get to the point where you will feel like you were neglecting yourself, while chasing the love of someone else. Their love isn’t more important, their love isn’t better than what you can give yourself.
In fact you not allowing yourself to let go , makes it triple as strong and necessary as it actually is .
We do need love and we are love. We are not in position and we never should beg anyone for love . Who are we ,how much we don’t feel worth of being loved , to actually beg someone ,and be with someone who doesn’t seem to bother about us at all.
One sided love is pain, then we hear people say that love is pain , while love isn’t pain , our choices are painful, because if we would truly work on and love ourselves, we won’t allow them situations to happen and we would choose someone who is choosing us .
But now I lay on bed thinking how I came to the point where I Love someone so much , that I don’t mind them being happy without me.
I know Love is a big word , this is something I rather can’t explain or understand with my mind .
But my heart know ….
I don’t feel heartbroken, I don’t feel like I was rejected or unwanted.
I see things from completely different perspective now and I’m grateful for the opportunity to meet someone who shaked my soul so deep.
Some things are not for us to understand but simply feel . I suppose It was all meant to teach me what real love is . No judging, no jealous and possessive, not pushy and self centred .
Reminder for all of us… love does not mean , that someone belongs to you, you not an owner of someone else , don’t try to change the other person either. If you can’t love them as they are.,Just let them go, because they not meant for you .
I totally feel like I am ready to move forward and allow myself to dive deep into loving myself and I know there is someone out there , who is my perfect match.
Everyday we come along the Alpha males who think that , sweet or vulgar sweet words will make us want them . Nothing can be more wrong. Personally I feel not only offended while I’m the receiver of the so called “compliment ” what’s more , I never want to exchange any sort of words with that person in the future .
As an empath , and someone who is still learning how to set clear boundaries, I tend to skip the message and don’t reply or reply with some sarcastic comment, hoping they will get the message, usually they don’t get it , let’s be honest about it.
Many times I have been wondering, how they can be so bold and stupid … it usually goes in pair . Yet I have noticed ,that I’m also the problem in this equation 🤷🏼♀️
My sarcasm or ignoring the message, clearly does not work . I started to block but then another one comes along and the situation reapet itself .
I’m kind but not stupid and I wish some people would understand that.
I need to start to care less if I will hurt someone because clearly they do not give a damn if im hurt by their actions.
“14 years old girl in need of love have met her prince charming who was at that time just 24 years old.”
Ooo noo he was not a prince charming at all, he was just a narcissi player who was taking everything he could from everyone, not looking back at the hurt he is doing to people who are vulnerable and who trusted him.
Delusional teenage girl, who knew nothing about love and who had different idea of love to what she was shown by the person she called first love.
We start to seeing each other ,he knew it wasn’t right ,we had to hide so nobody can see us , it was at that time exciting and I felt like he would do anything to see me and be with me , even losing his freedom , I still don’t know how I could think it was right but oh well I was naive to think he had good things on his mind , clearly he showed me otherwise later on.
At first it was very pure , we met and talked ,he wasn’t making moves on me or forcing me to do anything , he seemed to be happy just to spend some time with me and I was feeling like the one and only princess , it’s been at that time some sort of accomplishment to be with such an amazing guy , he complimented me and understood me , never judged me at that point , few times he mentioned that due to my age he don’t think it will ever work out , because we would have to wait until I’m 18 years old to move further with anything , well I was devastated every time he mentioned that , I felt like I was ready and why we just can’t be together ,he tried to tell me that people will not accept us because of the age gap ,so the only way to stay with him was to meet him and hide away from public eye , after some time my mom have noticed that something is going on and all sudden every single person in my family starts telling me to leave this guy alone , I was at fault in their eyes for running after him , I know they were right now but back then it was devastating and I didn’t want to even think about stopping to see him , I simply couldn’t let go of him , we just kept is secret and keep seeing each other once a week for half an hour , meeting were usually in his car at some side road were we could just sit and talk , I was romanticizing about us being together and going out , doing things we simply could not do in real life.
I was imagining him kissing me and us enjoying time together without being criticized by others .
One day we met as usual and it happened … he kissed me , believe me or not I was sitting there like frozen , I have never been kissed before , I have only done it in imagination , and when he did it I was terrified, because I had no idea what to do with my lips , I was stuck in thoughts of what to do and I didn’t even move my lips one bit , my eyes been open too , it’s been like some weird force been put on me and I should not move , so I didn’t …he stopped and asked how was it , I didn’t know what to say , how it supposed to be ? I thought to myself, right after that I asked him to drop me off, I was overwhelmed with what just have happened to me and shocked by lack of my response to it, but most importantly I was ashamed that I am not a good kisser, even though I knew it was my very first time. He told me not to worry as each time it will be better but for some reason it wasn’t any better, every time he kissed me, I was freezing and not moving, simply like a figure who tells u, do what u want with me I’m emotionally not even here, my body is here but my mind drifted off to sleep? I have no idea what the heck was going on at that point, we have met multiple time and I have always been same way, frozen figure with whom u can do as u please, it’s scary to think what he could do without me saying a word, I wasn’t able to say anything, it was like I wasn’t there when it was happening, till this day I don’t understand it.
I’m thinking lately , where did I went wrong. Choices I have made in my previous relationships make me feel like ,I have let the other person control the way I feel . Everything I was doing , wanting, begging for , was nothing but breadcrumbs…. I have let the other person dictate the pace we are moving, I let them disappear and then let them back in …just like nothing would happen , without explanation, I don’t even care anymore about apologies because ,they clearly knew what they were doing .
I know there is a pattern in that , pattern which I don’t want to follow anymore . I want to feel the love ,and give the love to someone ,who will appreciate it .
I don’t feel heartbroken anymore , but now while i think about it , I just feel sad … sad that I didn’t know my worth and that I have let all this shit make me feel small …
However I have learned very important lesson … First you need to love yourself, be happy with yourself, be who you truly feel you are and don’t be ashamed of yourself.
There is no room for judgment, jealousy and hatered in my heart. Stay true to yourself and trust that everything will work out perfectly as you wish 💫