I do not understand anything I see in this room[on this street, from this window, in this place].
Apply this idea in the same way as the previous ones, without making distinctions of any kind. Whatever you see becomes a proper subject for applying the idea. Be sure that you do not question the suitability of anything for application of the idea. These are not exercises in judgement. Anything is suitable if you see it. Some of the things you see may have emotionally charged meaning for you. Try to lay such feeling aside, and merely use these things exactly as you would anything else.
The point of this exercise is to help you clear your mind of all past associations, to see things exactly as they appear to you now, and realise how little you really understand about them. It is therefore essential that you keep a perfectly open mind, unhampered by judgement, in selecting the things to which the idea for the day is to be applied. For this purpose one thing is like another; equally suitable and therefore equally useful.
I have given everything I see in this room[on this street, from this window, in this place]all the meaning that it has for me.
The exercise with this idea are the same as those for the first one. Begin with the things that are near you, and apply the idea to whatever you glance rest on. Then increase the range outward. Turn your head so that you include whatever is on either side. If possible, turn around and apply the idea to what was behind you. Remain as indiscriminate as possible in selecting subjects for its application, do not concentrate on anything in particular, and do not attempt to include everything you see in a given area, or you will introduce strain.
Merely glance easily and fairly quickly around you, trying to avoid selection by size, brightness, colour, material, or relative importance to you. Take the subjects simply as you see them, Try to apply the exercise with equal ease to a body or a button, a fly or a floor, an arm or an apple. The sole criterion for applying the idea to anything is merely that your eyes have lighted on it. Make no attempt to include anything in particular, but be sure that nothing is specifically excluded.
Welcome back dear fellow bloggers and anyone who will come across this post.
It has been truly a long and bumpy ride , I have taken myself on , but with true honesty it has been the best thing that could have ever happen to me .
As I have mentioned in the last post , I have found my person … I am still quite shocked how in a such a short period , you can become so close to another human being , how everything can change literally overnight, but more about this maybe another time as today I have something else id love to write about and hopefully ,gain some more insight of what you think and how you see the stuff which I am going to elaborate on in this post .
So lets start from the beginning
I have been in few relationships myself , I cant tell that they were bad , they certainly were in my life for a reason , sometimes them reasons don’t seem too obvious for us and usually it is because , we don’t see ourselves exactly as we are . Quite often we are portraying ourselves as someone we want to be , however yet we are not .
Not to say it is right or wrong , obviously it is a matter of discussion and/or opinion ,which we all tend to have and which of course will differ ,depending on our life experience and how much we are allowing to heal our mind, body and soul , but let me introduce you to the ways I seen relationships as . Yes ways , because just two months ago I have had a completely different outlook on what being in a relationship is to what I think I feel now .
First comes the child , you know , the one who throw a tantrum every single time something doesn’t go its way ? yeah it was me , in the past ,why was that happening ? why was I so triggered by simple things , and by simple I really mean basics , for example when someone would not reply to me in the rightly manner (right only for me of course ) I would go mad , trust me , pure madness and I cant even blame this child (myself) for doing so , because I truly was acting out my childhood trauma , I wanted to feel heard and seen and all of that what child needs from their parents , yet how often it wasn’t reciprocated in my case. Of course I see where I went south and hurt not once but hundred of times someone I genuinely cared for , but the instinct of survival and proving myself that I am worth the time ,was so strong and clearly at the begging I haven’t seen it as an issue , if I have to be totally honest .
Some or rather all of my behaviours were very automatic , I knew I’m going insane ,in literal way but I thought it is normal way to express yourself and to simply get the things you want , while in all honesty it never worked quiet well for me , I would rather feel even more abandoned and lost than before but I never understood why it is happening.
Now comes the question , How important it is to heal your inner child before entering relationship?
The answer will not be linear ,just like the healing is not but I believe it is of huge importance , healing has completely changed the way i look at the relationship I have now and on the ones from the past .
Of course as you start the healing , you realise why you have been choosing people who would trigger you and offer you less than bare minimum as it is all rotted deep inside of us ,and sooner or later everyone will choose to heal ,so they can fully accept who they are and what they want from life .
So often we think love hurts , so we choose the hurtful experiences and partners who don’t seem to meet any of our needs , we try to give a lot in hope that we will be wanted , where in fact this behaviour has quite the opposite effect…
How often did you over give to someone who should get nothing out of you ?
How often did you blamed yourself for not being worthy of the love and affection of someone , who seemed like the love of your life ?
I believe we tend to delude ourselves with thinking , that we can change someone , where in fact the only person you should focus on changing is yourself , so you know and remember who you truly are , so you don’t settle for less than you deserve , so you don’t chase unfulfilling relationships, so you don’t get into relationship because you feel lonely .
Knowing who you truly are is a blessing and thankfully more people start to realise the importance of self love and self care , I dream of a world where people are as loving ,true and honest ,and stop putting the appearances of someone they are not …
Thinking back on my past relationships, I must say , there was no love involved.
It is harsh but true . I’m not going to lie to myself anymore . I was choosing my partners and also they have been choosing me ,because we have had something we could exchange .
No. It was not exchange of love whatsoever. But I have moved past it , understood the lesson . I don’t blame anyone. Not even myself because at that time , I did my best , truly my best .
I thought that’s what love is … Well maybe it was love to some extent but not the love I know now . Not the love I feel for myself.
It was always conditional, never given freely , always in expectation of something from both side of course.
We settle for less , because we don’t want to end up alone . Then we end up in a relationships where we feel lonely , not understood , thinking our partner must take the role of our parents , mind reader, our pleaser etc the list is long .
For me this isn’t love . I want you to thrive and be in love with yourself and your life . I don’t want to control you , stop you , blame you . I dont want toxic behaviour to be explained as jealousy.
Love is pure . Love is magical. And if you give love with no expectations but purely because you can share what you have and you are happy for someone to experience it with you ,without hidden agenda . Nobody can hurt you , you can afford to share because you are full of love .
Be love . Love yourself. Spread the love everywhere you go . Remember… it’s either LOVE or FEAR. What will you choose ?
True love cannot be found where it does not exist, nor can it be denied where it does.
Theoretically , we all know what it means, however in reality it is very hard thing to accomplish for most of us , we are always thrown into thinking of the past or future , leaving little to no room for the present moment.
For many of us , there is always something better to focus on and think about than the moment we are currently experiencing . Yet , once we start diving into the present moment , and we let ourselves enjoy it, it becomes clear how much we reject ourselves and our needs, how we don’t appreciate the things we should be grateful for .
Finally when we have time to be present , we start to see everything differently . We start to see ourselves differently , we notice how we feel , how we react to everything around us, we notice how we neglected our need to feel and see even the smallest , the least noticeable things, now all of the sudden the touch which didn’t mean anything , has a different feel , words spoken are heard like a sweet melody, even simple cooking , becomes a relaxing practice and not a chore .
So I think the first and most important part to be happy in life is to become present as often as possible.
To do so , we simply must practice being Present , and with time and practice , we will become better at enjoying the present moment .
Don’t Judge Yourself
Well this one , clear as a day , will be probably the hard pill to swallow for anyone , because even when we fight against others to defend our opinion ,while we know that we are in the wrong , after the situation come to an end , we are left alone and we go back to the arguments or conversations we had , and we start to analyse everything we said and done , and then we relive the situation again , only this time we are hard on ourselves , not on others.
The process of judging starts and we are able to put ourselves under the biggest fire and speak very badly of our own self . That’s not something anyone should do , we should rather practice the opposite, which in that case would be , understanding ourselves ,seeing human being, in our own reflection , and try to make peace with whatever has happened , and what most important, move past it forgive and forget if that’s necessary for you to feel at peace .
We are all making silly decisions , and mistakes which we might regret at a later time but we all should understand that , that’s how life rules , we must learn and live and remember that it really isn’t that serious , we just make it be so we can feel like a victim . I know many would not agree but that’s not my concern as I have been overcoming this myself , and even though I understand a lot , I still need to look at myself from the 3rd person perspective and think how does it make me feel.
Anytime I feel it burden me or give me any sort of anxiety or ill feeling , I know I should look deeper and look for the answers within and not judge myself , because I definitely don’t see everything , especially when I’m furious ,angry or fearful , and the last one has been holding me back a lot for all those years , just now I know I was programmed to feel fear at any time , not exploring possibilities, not going for what wanted , settling for the less . That’s nobody’s best interest in life .
We are so scared of the death , yet we are walking through life as we already are on the other side . What’s the purpose of life , if we are scared to live and take any kind of risk .
Of course there is much more to it but that in the next post xoxo
Well I will be speaking mainly about the spiritual routine, as from experience I can tell that before it was nowhere to be found , and the road to understanding and change, seemed like impossibility .
Now however, I have a strong routine, which is followed by me every single day, and I already can see ,despite it being only 30 days , how life changing and eye opening it is.
When you learn , and do things for your own good day by day, you see how important it actually is for your own sake.
I see many people calling themselves lazy or unmotivated etc but is it really that? I think, it’s not really the case .
The main problem with setting a routine for ourselves, whether it is daily life or spiritual or basically anything, is the fact that we have strong opposite beliefs regarding our ability and worthiness and deserving all what it can bring .
So I think what’s the most important at the beginning, is to start small , don’t put a lot on yourself , don’t judge yourself and do the best you can , and as many of you probably have read Four Agreements , you know that our best will vary at all times .
So take it slow and start today . Even if its something you might take as not such a life changing decision. That’s how you create the life , you want to live .
Have you ever wondered how it would be to live a life , where you are truly happy with life , content with yourself, when you forgave those who have wronged you and forget the past . Once and for good ?
If you answered yes to any of it…. then it’s definitely a good time to dive deep into your own soul . Shadow work is an amazing tool to see who you truly are , but also to diminish the false beliefs you have had about yourself and everything that is close to you.
Anyway….. one thing. No actually there is few things I’m so very proud of myself ….
First of all I quit smoking, fast and I never would even think it would be this easy 😶
Second I have cut ties with so called family. I don’t like being used in someone else’s games etc so few people from my closest circle is out for good and no i dont regret it , I feel at peace when I don’t have that negative energy around me.
Third is deleting all social media, truly relived after deleting them . I don’t even know why I started to build them in the first place …. I mean I know but I’m kind of ashamed of my motives . I’m sure happier now when I don’t use any of them.
So there is more but , all that started to happen after I started shadow work , so for now on it will stay for my own knowing only.
I feel like minding my own business was the most beneficial thing in 2022.
Well if you have very low expectations or no expectations whatsoever is even funnier .
People think you a clown and take advantage of you
Everything changes however, when you start to respect yourself and don’t chase everyone who comes your way lol
Some people will even go as far as manipulating you into having Netflix and chill and of course making nothing of it . However the plan is well known and simple.
Get that meat , use it and abuse it and then of course play hard to get and ghost poor soul, who now think you have a connection. No you dont ! You just chosen to have sex with random dude in hope of romantic relationship, but that’s something you read in books, in real life nobody is that romantic. We all fucked up to some extent and don’t know how to deal with our own feelings so we play it tough and hurt everyone including ourselves.
Then we lie a bit and play games… ha ha ha
Yeah I might be a little bit bitter .
No i wasn’t hurt by anyone recently, it’s just an experience from the past.
I do shadow work so pardon me . Of course you might not agree with me .
Not that I care . I truly don’t give a fuck.
At the end of the day . We self centred and only focused on our own needs .
Yes yes that’s how we are most of the time. You can’t make me think otherwise. I’m one of you .
I had a very interesting conversation with my sister recently.
And what I will write below will give you an insight of what that conversation had in mind, or rather what i had in mind …because i have started it .
At first breath i felt somehow hurt but then i though, we do things we not aware might hurt others , we speak words we can’t take back . We often do and say from what we know best .
Sometimes that best is pretty low but i don’t want to judge a person , especially someone i know so close and someone I know would be hurt ten folds if I would be the one saying them things.
If you don’t have something good to say to someone, don’t say it. Treat all with courtesy and kindness.
I speak with my sister a lot about self love , how to respect your own self and appreciate everything you went through.
She know very well , at least now she knows for sure ,some of my insecurities. Yet she decided to laugh it off ,not thinking as per usual . Which sometimes makes me feel like it the reason id rather be alone than with anyone around me .
Going deeper, i feel like this is the exact reason why i prefer time alone . Since child ,there was always someone who would comment on something and make it not a big of a deal . Well it wasn’t anything big for me either, back then , or was i wrong? I was indeed very wrong … i would stop doing what i liked to do , not be around certain people because I knew they would pick on me , avoid certain situations .
I try my hardest to understand how it could take me so long to learn such simple lesson . All because of that one situation. Or rather because of me not letting it slip and not allowing this form of disrespect towards me . Even as a joke . Because you should not let anyone joke about things you insecure about, and im not learning to love myself just the way I’m, for someone else to come and destroy my self esteem in seconds .
Since that day i have came across so many articles and sentences in a book where it just bring it all back .
But I must say , im proud of how differently i handle things now .
Before i would try to ignore it and change the subject, just to stop the laughter . Now I speak up and say how i feel and why i think its not right.
I feel courageous. Yet there is still so many things to work on . When it comes to family, it is really fucked up.
I never thought i will have to cut ties . But if nobody cares and i have to make the effort? Is it worth it ? Is it worth the try if i see strangers being treated with more compassion than own family member?
I hope ill get some sleep tonight, it has been pretty challenging lately.
Lately I started to think , if going through spiritual journey is really a blessing or a curse in today’s world .
Don’t get me wrong . I feel that I had it much easier while I didn’t care , while I did not understand, when I could pity myself, be a victim etc etc.
However now , them things don’t come easy if they show up at all . Yes I get mad , I have some stupid arguments , mainly with myself or others in my head … but it doesn’t stay long like it used to be .
You might think , what ? Is that bad ? Well , maybe it’s not bad , but surely it makes you not so relatable … and it hurts ,especially when you can hardly relate with the people you had some sort of connection in the past , family etc .
Before if someone did me wrong , I’d be moody ass B …. speak a lot of crap ,even if it meant to hurt someone deeply. Now I feel like them feelings , don’t arise at all . Most of the time Im like , okay I see , well I hope you well. And I don’t even hold grudges.
I feel sorry for the person who “hurt me ” well is it because i finally understand that nobody can really hurt me ? Only the way I perceived things were hurting me ? I really hope it’s that .
Such a long way to go , so many things to understand, the more you try to understand, the less you feel like a human . The ego is not as loud which is beautiful but also scary .
At times the way I feel makes me wonder if I’m not too naive, yet I also see that my intuition is stronger than ever . I can sense someone’s intentions without any problems now , i make clear boundaries and speak what’s on my mind , that is something I struggled with in the past .
I know my worth , what I bring to the table and I’m definitely not afraid of eating alone . I don’t feel like I need to chase anything anymore. Material possession never impressed me even in the past , but now the only thing which makes me passionate and excited is the other open human being , open and healing , someone i can exchange experiences. And nothing else matter .
Superficial relationships .That’s something I don’t want to be close to . Not my cup of tea.
If you ever wondered, if it’s worth like i do . Well i don’t have one answer because it’s hard at times , but it teaches you different values and hope to heal your soul.